UCLA...student survival guide. Too many soldiers, dude!

Gee, kids sure are a lot more pampered since I attended University!

For example, on the UCLA campus the other day, I stumbled upon an informative "survival guide" prepared for students that was put out for young freshmen to get oriented on campus (and off).

What a Greek moment!

When I was hitting the books, and toiling my way through the hallowed halls of learning, I was forced to fend for myself.

The nifty little pamphlet at UCLA - on the other hand - is rife with useful tips, a wealth of information on how to maneuver 'round campus, and insider hints on how to score in the all-pervading primal search for carnal knowledge.

Whoa Nellie!

For starters, there's an enlightening section on campus-speak, so a student can get up to speed quick on the lingo.

What's a floorcest?

No, it's not a designer rug from Martha Stuart's home shopping club.

Also known as "dormcest", the phrase - according to the authors - refers to the inevitable hook-up between two people living on the same door floor (or in the same dorm). There is a stern warning here.

Not a good idea ninety percent of the time, it is argued.

A hook-up pretty much speaks for itself.

It's a land line for students without a cell, right?

Wrong!

Usually the catchy phrase refers to anything from making out with a person to actually having - here comes an orgasm, oh boy! - sex.

Jungle Juice is a new one on me, fer sure.

Golly, it's an exotic cocktail, you delicately conjure up by mixing - a sliver of Jose Cuervo, pint of Smirnoff, half a cup of Jagermeister, and a drop of Crown Royal (left over from a party-night the week before) - into a chilled carafe of yummy neon-colored Kool Aid.

Ah, so that's what Heather Locklear got her grubby little hands on!

The insightful guide also offers up affordable decorating ideas for a dorm room.



Unless, your parents have moolah to burn for tony digs in Westwood proper, these helpful tips may prove to be right up your campus alley.




If you're a music lover, for instance, it's suggested you frame your favorite CD or record covers to show off your - um - style.

Show tunes won't cut it, dude!

Those by Josh Groban are in poor taste, too.


If you pine to be the King of chic, though, then double up your surfboard (off season) into an ultra-cool headboard wherever you crash down.

Kewl!

If you end up with wet dreams, don't blame moi.

To freshen up (!) the old homestead on a meager budget, facilitate (like those million-dollar words, do 'ya?) dead soldiers (empty beer cans) or aesthetically-pleasing wine bottles to house fresh-cut flowers in. Sounds so gay, eh?

When a couple-of-dozen or so end up dotting the messy landscape, time to sign up for AA meetings!

That's Alcoholics Anonymous, not American Airlines, kiddo.

A cheap dish rack in lightweight metal makes a high tech hopper for school papers, by the way.

In assessing a room-mate, take note of a handful of warnings, too.

If the potential roomie smells like a brewery, or pees in a corner in the middle night after mistaking your golf bag for a pisser, he's a wild 'n crazy frat boy.

Avoid the lad like the plague, or join in!

When a room-mate starts jotting down "to do" lists - or scrambles to tidy up your sloppy unkempt bed when you slip into the shower for a sec - it's a tip off he may be anal retentive and a control-freak.

Head for the hills. Or at least, Pepperdine College nearby.

Can't find your soiled underwear? Or, the natty little sweater grannie gave 'ya vanished into the funky air one foggy day?

Uh-huh, thy roomie is a chronic borrower.

And, if it's missing-in-action for a few days, say bye-bye.

He either left it in the cafeteria when he was stoned - or pulled the old switcheroo - with an Abercrombie & Fitch number he spied on the back of a chair in the library.

And - if he struts around the room half-naked, scratches his balls incessantly, and takes a shower with the bathroom door open-wide - he's either an exhibitionist or was just born in a barn.

Yahoo!

If you like what you see, okey dokey.

If not, call the campus police, to rustle him up and send him packing back to the range.

If there's a boring lecture eating away at your nerves, jump up and scream at the top of your lungs this little ditty.

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore."

By the by, don't call mommy to escort 'ya to your first campus party, either.

Instead, follow the golden rules.

When out-on-the-town - travel in packs (and likewise) - institute a buddy system so you won't get lost first night zonked out in upscale Westwood, gay West Hollywood, or (God forbid) the sticks of West Covina (yeah, you get the idea)

Don't sit on a couch at a college rave, either.

Who knows what puked there earlier on when the night was young and relatively maxi-pad carefree.

Pass on the punch; after all, you just know it's been laced with an elegant designer drug inclined to induce wild and rampant urges for sex and sure to loosen the inhibitions of the most closetted nypho at UCLA.

Try to establish a good rep (reputation).

A bl** job in the john on the first date is generally verboten (look it up in the dictionary, if necessary).

"Bl** Job", not verboten, fool!

You'll be popular though; and - quick as a wink - you'll like totally be known as "slut girl" on the Internet overnight.

Ah, but what a night!

Avoid beer pong if you're a guy and want to meet other guys.

In fact, always relieve yourself outside, if you want to ferret out a homo encounter.

Useful tip?

Pretend you're really blasted - and as sure as God made boners - some homo will fly out of the woodwork and seize the day.

Next day?

Act like it didn't happen, to save your reputation with best buds, on the UCLA football team.

Follow the same modus operandi at the next blow-out. once the word gets out that you're a closet Queen.

Wow!

DVDs they're recommending for purchase (or rental) weren't a surprise to me at all.

A start-up collection of must-haves consists of the Matrix, Fight Club, Shaun of the Dead, Dazed and Confused, Animal House (all twenty sequels), The Big Lebowski (heh, dude),Gossip Girl, and Goonies (???)

Well, there was bound to be one rotten apple in the bunch.

Finally, here are a few essential websites to cruise and carouse, if you're up to it at four in the wee hours of the doey-eyed dawn.

collegebordeom.com
pandora.com
juicycampus.com
lifehack.org
defamer.com

Oh, and don't forget to check out, PerezHilton.com

Think juicy, pink, and coming of age!