The Expendables...big, loud, ballsy! Cliche waste of celluloid!

The credits were smart and slick, and a dynamic score built up a helluva-lot of suspense in the opening scenes, but once the Expendables began to unravel (!) on the silver screen, it was obvious that a few once-celebrated careers were most definitely (out-of-whack) or on the wane.

In the build up to the World premiere, Sylvester Stallone trotted out his cocky old self on all the high-profile tabloid talk shows, to promote his new bag of celluloid tricks.

With a whimsy of snake-oil-salesman smoke-and-mirror chicanery, the still-attractive hunk, managed to convince TV viewers that it just may be a hoot to travel down memory lane with his paunchy over-the-hill gang of body-builders.

For example, in a sly effort to pack the movie theatres, the aging Lothario actually waxed poetic about his once-masterful action-hero days.

If "The Expendables" is Sly's vision for the future - and the much-ballyhooed return of action! thrills! and adventure! to the genre - then the biz is in trouble!

There were a few commendable bravado moments on screen - indeed - which flashed forward-and-back now-and-then, but most of the pickings were pretty slim.

The flick had a lot of firepower, alright, but it was predictably pre-packaged and Fed-Exed from the special effects team at the studio.

Call it formula flim-flam.

Hollywood Action Hero Film 101.

Even the popcorn was wasted on this doozey; after all, I fell asleep in my comfy theatre seat about twenty minutes into a thin plot that went nowhere fast, man!

If it wasn't for an - overly-loud in-your-face explosion or two - I probably would have slept right thru.

In fact, that was probably part of Sly's failing here.

There was too much emphasis on visuals and smash-ups - and not enough focus - on plot or story or character development and - blah blah blah.

Well, with Rocky, what did 'ya expect?

Stallone must have texted this baby, from one over-the-hill hunk to the next, until the script was finally hammered out eventually piece-by-sorry-piece.

If what Mickey Rourke said was true the other night on Jay Leno - about crafting his own dialogue for his scenes - then he gets the nod for being the one lone talent in a cast of misfits that couldn't act (or fathom) their way out of a paper bag these days.

Oh, with one exception.

Eric Roberts, in a smaller role, stole scenes (that's how good an actor he is).

But, when you get right down to the nitty-gritty, there wasn't much to crow about in that department.

Sure, the Expendables boasted a cast of action-hero heavyweights from an inglorious yesteryear.

Except for Rourke & Roberts, it was all mere fluff, I dare say!

In fact, when Arnold Schwarzenegger strode in at one point in a surprise (?) cameo, he managed to sully his whole career in an acting stint that was so stinko bad that it rates a "Razzy" this year.

And, it just may ruin his bid for President!

As to the action, well, a dash of explosions here - a tense moment or two there - does not an entertaining (or critically-acclaimed) film make.

One astute men's room critic hit the nail on the head after flushing the toilet on his way out the theatre door.

"That didn't make much sense at all, did it?"

Heck no!

Flush twice, it's a long way to the Executive offices.

http://www.julianayrs.com