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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, July 30, 2011

McDonalds...was it something I said? The Ice man cometh!





Did you hear the joke about the dude who swaggered into McDonalds for a Happy Meal one day?


When he attempted to fill his beverage cup with ice cubes, the machine at the busy fountain jammed up.

He half-turned and yelled to the staff at the counter:

"ICE"

Suddenly, without warning, all of the Latino workers dashed out the back door without looking back.
"Was it something I said," he wondered aloud to himself, as he stood alone in the empty fast-food outlet.

http://www.thetattler.biz


 



Thursday, April 22, 2010

Disc Jockeys...insight on Bl** Jobs! Oprah says no such thing as bad one...





Howard a boob man!



Today, a couple of disc jockeys were chatting about an open letter to males that was published in one of the slick monthly mags by a celebrity flavor of the month.

Those dudes were pushing the envelope - the lip of it - anyway.

For example, on the subject of oral sex, one of the curious platter flappers asked a female in the studio who gave oral sex better.

Men or women?

She hesitated, giggled if I am not mistaken, then swore up and down it was a woman.

“Because they know what a woman likes.”

I can hear all those diesel dykes around the country panting at the thought.

But, you know what, the same applies to dudes.

Although Oprah once noted on her show that guys have asserted there is no such thing
as a bad blow job, I thoroughly disagree.

Nothing worse than a sloppy suck, that doesn’t arouse, or only chaffs the head!

Give me that man tool back, I’ll whack it off myself, thank you very much.

Actually, I knew a guy that could blow himself.

Disgusting thought, eh?

The naughty - but enlightening (in a sexual vein) - conversation turned to the female bod.

One jockey raved that a woman’s physical form was far superior to that of a man.

“It is so aesthetically pleasing," he gushed.

Somehow, I doubt that Perez Hilton would agree!

Oh, in that case, why not just stand her on a pedestal and jerk off?

“The boobs are the best. Even women love boobs, right?"

Even still, it is not always to sculpt the size and shape right.

Just ask Heidi Montag.

She may be able to float better in a pool, but any moment, it is wholly conceivable she may blow up or go bust if there's a boo-boo.

Reminds me of an old Nun joke.

Two nuns were walking in the garden at the convent when the one sister’s bra suffered a malfunction.

“Oh, Christ, my brassier strap broke,“ she cried out.

The other nun chastised her for using the Lord’s name in vein.

“What do you want me to say - my cup runneth over?”

Ba-dump!

http://www.thetattler.biz/

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Serious Man...dark comedy enlightening! Coen Brothers score big-time again...





Coen Brothes serious dudes!



Because of scheduling problems, I missed a couple of screenings of  "A Serious Man" (the latest dark comedy conjured up by the ever-ambitious  Coen Brothers).

Fortunately, the Regency booked the much-hailed film into the theatre recently, and I was able to catch it for a discounted price of $7.50 (so there was moolah left over for a hotdog and soda).

For good reason, the art-house film has not only been garnering rave reviews, but managed to snap up a couple of Oscar nominations to boot.

*Best Feature Film
*Best Original Screenplay

Once the opening credits rolled, and the camera panned in on the opening scenes, I was taken by surprise.

The neighourhood the main characters resided in was remarkably similar to Scarborough (where I was raised as a kid - though female impersonator Craig Russel - might refer to the middle-class suburb as "Scarberia" in view of his unpleasant memories there as a child).

As the story unfolded, I guffawed loudly over another experience the teenage son (Aaron Wolff) was suffering through.

Each day, as he trundled home from school, he was forced to dash by the house of the neighborhood bully to escape a poke or two.

On each scary occasion, the scrawny freckled-faced kid (the kind that bullies love to pick on) just barely made it to his own yard untouched.

Yup!

I was forced to contend with "Norris", who usually punched me in the stomach, as I headed home.

Finally, one day - I got so annoyed - that I struck back in a sort-of knee-jerk reaction.

Imagine that!

Within minutes, he was sporting a shiner, and I became the class hero overnight.

My teacher nick-named me one of "Golden Boys" on the heels of that auspicious occasion.

Unfortunately, the young lad in "A Serious Man" doesn't strike back.

But, later in a prophetic noment near the end of the film, he fathomsthat  the oversized moron will not be around for the long haul if the portents swirling all around are correct.

A sign from Jehovah, perhaps?

For the most part, the story focuses on the father of a Jewish household ( portrayed with minute attention to detail by Tony Award nominee Michael Stuhlbarg).

He's a teacher, with two children, who tries to walk the straight and narrow.

In spite of his good nature and kind-hearted intentions, the sky starts to fall down on his head.

Out-of-blue, for example, his wife (Sari Lennick) informs him she is involved with an old family friend (a real smuck, by the way) and demands a divorce.

Oy, veh!

If that wasn't troubling enough, when the teach marks an Asian student's paper with a deserving low grade, the schemer tries to effect a little wicked blackmail to extort a higher grade.

Dark humor, of the crazed kind that only the Coen brothers are capable of effectively delivering  up, drives along the drama-comedy with side-splitting laughs, moments of profound truth from on high that resonate, and just plain silliness that hits the funny bone just right.

"A Serious Man" is a bit cliche at times, though.

But, would it be possible to tackle the trials and tribulations of a Jewish family, without going there?

A cast of zany off-beat characters - each unique in his or her own way - delight throughout.

Two of my favorite characters are the likeable thirteen-year old (with remarkably good taste in rock bands  such as the Jefferson Airplane) preparing with earnest for his barmitzvah and his older bitchy sister who taunts him endlessly (Jessica McManus).

Yeah, she's a real piece of "Jewish American Princess" work.

A handful of scenes focusing on Dad literally steal the show because of his hang-dog demeanor and the actor's finely honed comedic (dead-pan) skills.

In one hilarious plot twist, at the insistence of his spoiled son, he goes up on the roof to adjust the bunnie ears on the antenna when he spies his married neighbour sunbathing in the buff with all her attributes hanging out.

In a flash, he scurries off to introduce himself, and ends up in like Flynn.

When the bored housewife offers him a toke on a joint, the wicked Coen humor blossoms in all its debauched glory.

At one point the beleaugered Dad is urged by loved ones - the wife who is divorcing him, the lover  who is attempting to kick him out of his own home, and the patronizing principal at his school - to seek some meaningful guidance from the Rabbi.

Now the hilarity kicks into high gear.

The twisted onscreen tale about the "goy and the teeth" will put you in stitches.

In  a way, this film is not unlike a Buddhist Koan, in many respects.

Though to crack, but earth shattering, when the message rings out crystal clear.

The timing of the actors is impeccable, the characterizations are well-developed, and the acting is seamless and believable.

On occasion, "A Serious Man", is a startlingly realistic film designed to take filmgoers by surprise.

When the filmmakers cut to a nightmare incident on a beach, for example, it turns out to be just that!

The skilled Coens had us all going there for a moment - so intense so believable - was the scenario.

Like Fargo (still my favorite) "A Serious Man"  is right up there on the ricter scale still shaking people up.

There are also a handful of thought-provoking ideas and concepts about the almighty (and his intent) that resonate with filmgoers.

In the case of this Oscar contender an old truism applies:

Life is a bitch, and then you die.



Monday, January 25, 2010

Ellen DeGeneres...shhhh! Harry Connick Jr. celebrates birthday of perky talk-show host Tuesday...





love that just out-of-bed look!




Do you think that Ellen is a sexist?

I was just zipping through her press release this morning (touting this week's guest line-up) when I spied an intriguing comment our favorite lipstick lesbo quipped about Dennis Quaid after his rippley-abbed appearance on the hit talk show last week.

For the record (she noted in so many words) that Dennis was quite cooperative.

"Maybe I'll invite him home to do the vacuuming," she chirped without batting-an-eye.

Shame!

Meanwhile, the stellar line-up of high-profile guests continues this week.

And, guess what?

Surprise! 

It's Ellen's birthday.

Harry Connick, Jr. - a crooner that the ditzy (but highly-intelligent) stage comic pines after, will saunter in to make "D" Day a very thrilling "B" Day.

Tune in, eh?

Should be tweet, with cake (festive icing) and par-tay hats!!!

But, first things first.

JANUARY 25TH - JANUARY 29TH

MONDAY (JANUARY 25th)

Valerie Bertinelli (the little cutie with a passion for rock 'n roll stars) will chat about her upcoming projects and life's rosy moments for a tad.

In fact, Valerie has promised to share her stay-in-shape diet & exerecise secrets.

ZACHARY LEVI will drift in at some point to tell Ellen all the about the new season for his hit TV show "Chuck".
And, with a thumbs up to Australia, hilarious Ellen will play a wild 'n crazy action-packed game of blindfolded musical chairs.

WEDNESDAY (JANUARY 26th)

Ellen invited a little-known country-music band to make their TV debut on the show a couple-of-years ago.

The band musicians in LADY ANTEBELLUM have become superstars in the interim.

As pay-back to generous DeGeneres, Lady Antebellum will get all gussied up and sashay onto the stage with a lot of thumping and cheering going down from die-hard fans (no doubt).

Ellen and her audience will be treated to an exclusive performance of their hit.

“Need You Now”

They’ll also give Ellen a big scoop - on all the insider-info - in respect to their deserving Grammy nominations (two)!

THURSDAY (JANUARY 28th)

Buffed stud - ubiquitous MARIO LOPEZ - is expected to bounce out on the stage brimming with enthusiasm about this 'n that  as the exciting fun-filled antics on Ellen top out for the week.

Just maybe, he'll share a few juicy backstage moments which may have gone down during the rehearsals for "Miss America" ( which he is hosting on Saturday night).

FRIDAY (JANUARY 29th

JOSH DUHAMEL, a former Male Model of the Year (no wonder he's so stiff), is slated to chat  up Ellen about his latest feature film “When in Rome.”

"White Collar" actor - MATTHEW BOMER - will stride out later in the show with titillating tales to tell, too;  after all, he is playing a mercurial con-man on the night-time TV circuit.

And, as they say at Warner Brothers, that's all folks!

'Til next week, anyhow.




Friday, January 22, 2010

San Francisco...Terry Jones @ screening of Life of Brian! Castro Theatre Sketchfest venue...


Art Deco interior exquisite!






To the delight of Monty Python fans, Terry Jones was on hand last night in San Francisco to introduce two of the comedy troupe's classic hits - "The Holy Grail" & the "Life of Brian" - to rapt audiences.

The double-bill was playing at the Castro Theatre (18th & Market) - under the auspices of Sketchfest - the comedy extravaganza that kicked off in Baghdad by-the-sea earlier this  week.

Although Conan O'Brien bowed out of a slated appearance at the annual comedy Fest (after NBC sent him packing when the Leno Late Night fiasco erupted in disaster at the peacock network earlier last week) there are a handful of high-profile comics and/or rip-roaring films to catch at a myriad of venues around the city.

Last night, a few "Holy Grail" and "Life of Brian" enthusiasts sauntered into the Theatre looking the part (with wire mesh hoods and loose-fitting frocks from the historical era from whence Jones and his devilish cronies plumbed their hilarious whimsical comic notions).

Just prior to the screening of "Life of Brian", Terry Jones treated the captivated audience to a short feature, which I managed to capture on HD Video.

Here is a Video of their introduction to the sketch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZU0KcG9mfs

Here is a Video of the hilarious sketch rarely ever seen in the U.S.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSh49OuyqtM

The introduction to "Life of Brian" was entertaining as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=No0I5XTjpCU

In a funny comedy bit, Jones expessed his dismay when he learned that George Harrison mortgaged his house to finance "Life of Brian".

If you missed last night's glittering night of razzle-dazzle, there are quite a few more sizzling hot appearances to catch in the comic vein over the next week or so.

Check the listings, eh?

http://www.sfsketchfest.com



Monty Python troupe!

Monday, June 29, 2009

American Idol...no sense of humor! Simon dishes it out, but can't take it...



The flapping wrist says it all, Simon!





On the heels of penning a couple of posts on Adam Lambert, Twitter tweeted me that top-rated American Idol was now following moi!



I expect that the powers-that-be at the popular "Star-Search" copycat show wanted to keep abreast of what was being written about their new Diva darling who caught the imagination of folks around the country in recent weeks.



On occasion, when a new follower joins the ranks, I take a poke or two in a follow-up (no pun intended) post.



In an odd-ball sort-of-way, it's kind of like an initiation rite frat boys are subjected to.



For example, after Adam Lambert fans became avid readers of my tongue-in-check musings, I took a bit of a humorous jab at Adam and the sudden trappings of his success.



No problem, though!



They ate it all up and have been hanging around pining for more.



Just gluttons for punishment!



Likewise, when Ellen Fans started to follow, I fanned the flames a bit by putting the spotlight squarely on their perky talk-show host and some of her quirks and misses for a day or two.



Yup, American Idol was a perfect target for my blend of humor, too.



So, I excitedly plunked myself down at the PC one morning and penned - what I thought - was a hilarious fun jab at Cowell and contestants like Adam Lambert who have appeared on the talent showcase for up-and-coming pop singers.



Post: 06/29/2009



http://ijulian.blogspot.com/2009/06/american-idolno-1-tv-entertainment-show.html



In fact, judging by the reaction of my regular readers & Lambert fans, the post was a hoot!



ALF folks quickly pinged my blog site, linked the insightful humorous hang-dog Valentine to a handful of entertainment (and fan) sites around the globe, and so forth, and so on.



However, American Idol was not - as the (um) Queen would say - "amused".



On the heels of publishing the post at high-traffic web sites I am part 'n parcel to both here and abroad, American Idol pulled the plug!



Yup, the spoil sports stopped "following" within a measly twenty-four hours of signing on.



What hypocrites!



Each week Cowell and his gang of hollow has beens trot contestants out in the spotlight - and then mercilessly - proceed to shamelessly toss darts at (in some cases totally humiliate) their targets to rustle up a cheap laugh.



Ah, but when the shoe is on the other foot, Cowell heads straight for the Fox dugout.



Cowell, in particular, can dish it out - but in the final analysis - can't take it when the tables are turned.



Indeed, all the wide smiles and mugging for camera, is nothing more than a public-relations ploy.



In truth, the cads at AI are a humorless cast of conceited talent-show-lizards (related once removed by their cousins, the lounge lizardsl) with all the personality and charm of a can of earth worms.



Just betcha, that when the lights go down on the sound stage and the 1st Assistant cries out - "It's a wrap" - that the whole sorry lot of 'em scurry back under the rocks from whence they came.



Regular readers one "truism" I posted on my blog a few months ago.



"Mediocrity is the opiate of the masses."



Uh-huh!



Cowell and his gang of whores are the worst purveyors to sling it in the TV Show ratings game.

Adam steals whole enchilada!

http://www.julianayrs.com

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Beer...a warm fuzzy insight!


As I stood at the urinal at the Abbey and took a whiz
A horrible truth suddenly dawned on me
'Ya know, we don't buy the booze
We just rent it
For as long as our bladder holds out!

ba-dump!




Monday, March 2, 2009

Kids...say the darndest things!


Occasionally when I pop into the local pharmacy (CVS), there is a pleasant outgoing middle-aged woman on the counter, who gets a giggle out of sharing some poignant moment that unfolded in front of her in the busy retail outlet.

How refreshing to encounter a real person with a healthy sense of humour in phoney-baloney Los Angeles.

For the most part, residents of the California mecca dash around like plastic mannequins, afraid to break into a smile for fear their faces might crack (or melt in the mid-day sun).

But, not to get side-tracked!

"Today, a young mother came into the store and asked her daughter ("she was about two or so," the cashier noted in an aside as her nose wrinkled up a smidgen) what she wanted for her birthday."

Without skipping a beat, the adorable young tot chirped:

"I want one of those plastic cards, Mommy, that you put into the machine that gives back cash."

Out of the mouths of babes!

An unknown author said it best:

"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Julian Ayrs..."Tattler" has dot com site! Expansion plans underway...


Well, I must have rocks in my head to start tinkering with a spanking-new site.

After all, designing a web page takes a lot of preparation, patience and painstaking skill.

A couple of years ago, I undertook the task of setting up an online Art Gallery, to display my abstract-expressionist paintings on the Internet.

What a toughie that was!

Uploading thumbnails of fine art, and structuring a web page to house them, is not a simple task.

Writing code is not number one on my list of after-hour leisure pleasures, either.

But, oftentimes, I struggled with nerve-wracking tricky html 'til the crack of dawn, to get it just right!

However, in my bid to expand "The Tattler" and my blog "Pop Culture" at the wordpress site, it appears to be a must-do challenge to take on if I want to be creatively fulfilled in my visionary career pursuits.

In the next couple of weeks - in addition to the celebrity gossip and entertainment news online now - I expect to include new features, links, and a calendar of events.

There'll be a suggestion box, too!

For starters.

So, surf over to http://www.julianayrs.com/ and check the site out.

Catch 'ya later!

Friday, October 31, 2008

School Days...Mr. Morgan wore a red ruby pinky ring! I was a terror...


Frankly, I don't why, but last night memories of an old teacher of mine from grade school, popped into my head.

Ah, Mr. Morgan!

If I recall correctly, he wore natty grey suits, horn-rim specs, and a red ruby ring on his pinky finger that winked in the light now and then.

Although, I was clueless about matters that pertained to "sex" back then - in retrospect - I just betcha he was (as we used to say) "light" in the loafers or "musical" at best. (gay)

I was quite the jokester when I was a student.

Because I was on the Honor Roll, the teachers usually let me get any with murder.

Yes, I was quite the cut-up in class.

For some reason, Mr. Morgan was my perfect foil.

I was always pulling gags on him.

For instance, one day at recess, I strolled up to Mr. Morgan (who was watching over the students on break with an eagle eye) and struck up a little bit of idle chit-chat.

"Mr. Morgan, how do you like my ring," I chirped, as I thrust the gawdy over-sized diamond within admiring-distance, for him to take a gander at.

"Very Nice," he politely responded with hardly a glance.

At that precise moment, as my hand was about two inches away from his face, I squeezed a small container of water in the palm of my hand (which was attached by a small tube to the fake ring) and a jolt of water splashed all over his face!

For a second - he glared at me - as the droplets of water slowly dribbled down the lapel of his jacket. Then, he stormed off towards the schoolhouse, in disgust.

Yeah, I was a hard case, alright.

On another occasion, I offered him a stick of gum, which he graciously accepted.

'Ya got it!

It was one of those trick packets of spearmint that turns into a sort-of mousetrap that snares the finger when the stick of gum is pulled out of the realistic-looking candy wrapper.

Gotcha, Mr. Morgan.

But the funniest one was the exploding pen.

Well, sort-of.

One day, as the class was busy writing an essay, I strategically placed a fake pen in one of the aisles on the floor just behind me.

As I anticipated, Mr. Morgan strode up and down in-between the desks, to make sure no one was cheating.

When Mr. Morgan stumbled across the pen - as I surmised he would - he systematically asked each pupil as he moseyed up the aisle if they were perchance the owner of the writing utensil.

At my desk, he called out my name to get my attention.

At first, I pretended not to hear, to ensure he wasn't tipped off about the gag.

Then, I gazed up with an innocent look on my face, and replied calmly.

"Sir?"

Is this your pen?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"No, I don't think so," I responded confidently, as I turned back to my assignment.

Then, as Mr. Morgan started to walk away, I spoke out.

""Mr. Morgan? That might be my pen. But, you'd have to take off the cap, 'cause mine has a special nib."


He paused; then, a wicked little smile came across his face.

"This is one of those trick pens, isn't it?"

Blast!

"Um, no sir! Why, whatever do you mean?"

"You're always disrupting my class. And, I won't have it," he barked, as he turned on his heel and made a beeline for his desk.

"No. I would never do that," I wailed plaintively.

"Well, I'm keeping this pen," he snapped.

"But, Sir! That would be stealing, wouldn't it?"

"I know this is a trick pen," he asserted almost angrily.

At this juncture, he flipped open the drawer of his desk - tossed the pen inside - and slammed it shut with a sharp bang.

And that - as they say - was that.

To this day, I often wonder, did Mr. Morgan ever open that pen?

I like to think that after all the students packed up their books - and trundled off home when the bell rang at three-thirty - that he slowly opened that drawer, withdrew the pen, and gingerly flipped off the cap - albeit - cautiously.

Who knows, maybe it's still lurking in the dark confines of his desk, untouched.

I just betcha, though, he was beside himself that day.

And, that long after we departed, he tempted fate.

KABOOM!

Only Mr. Morgan knows for sure.

And a fly on the wall, perhaps!